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3 minute read

Alternative Christmas cocktails

Here are the best ways you can say ‘who cares about Christmas’ just by raising a glass and giving your best fake grin.

13th December 2021

Christmas is the perfect excuse for a cocktail or two (for those who don’t celebrate Christmas, Tuesdays are also the perfect excuse for a cocktail or two).

Known for their ability to achieve the success of five alcoholic beverages in just one glass (or five times the sugar of a regular drink if we’re talking mocktails) cocktails are often overlooked for their ability to throw shade and send a subtle, passive-aggressive message. Until now!

Here are the best ways you can say ‘who cares about Christmas’ just by raising a glass and giving your best fake grin.

Psssst, Christmas lovers, don’t worry I’ve included a few for you too and no one will ever know you were here!

1. The Classic Pina Colada

Ingredients: White rum, coconut milk, pineapple juice, and a glacier cherry

Serving suggestion: Ideally a coconut shell - but a long tall daiquiri shaped glass works too, with all the umbrellas and sparklers you can get your hands on

Recommended outfit: It may be December, but that Hawaiian shirt and/or coconut shell bra is calling your name

Hidden message: Yes, I am sitting at this table looking at a dried-out turkey and a pea stuck in my Dad’s beard - but in my head -  I am on a tropical, sandy beach and none of you are invited!

2. Not Santa’s Slammer

Ingredients: Either: Vodka, Whiskey or Tequila served straight up and swallowed straight down

Serving suggestion: A simple shot glass - or an egg cup if needs must

Recommended outfit: Pyjamas. There is something very powerful about drinking shots in your PJs and they are comfortable enough to cope with any dance moves the tequila may inspire

Hidden message: Not today Santa! The ‘I don’t care about anything’ message isn’t really that hidden while wearing pajamas and throwing back slammers - but it certainly is effective

3. Selection pack smoothie

Ingredients: Your entire selection pack (if you’re UK based) or every piece of chocolate and candy you received as a gift, blended together until they form a liquid (or close enough)

Serving suggestion: The largest glass you have - a vase will do - and a sturdy straw

Recommended outfit: A bib and some stretchy pants, this one will require commitment and courage

Hidden message: 1. Fine, I’ll do Christmas if that’s what you want, but I am doing it hard and fast - and it will all be over by 6pm. 2. Someone may need to stay sober enough to drive me to the hospital

4. Brussel sprout bellini

Ingredients: With alcohol: Two Christmas staples that will forever be ruined for everyone after this - brussel sprouts (pureed) and champagne/prosecco/sparkling wine

Without alcohol: brussel sprouts (pureed) and lemonade

Serving suggestion: A very fancy champagne glass to keep things classy

Recommended outfit: This one deserves a cocktail dress/dinner jacket. You want to be looking your best to repeatedly answer the question ‘what’s that you're drinking…’ and then repeating your answer until they finally realize they didn’t miss-hear

Hidden message: I’ll take your festive traditions and raise you an ‘I don’t have to follow the rules and no one can make me’

5. Turkey Sunrise

Ingredients: With alcohol: Grenadine, tequila, triple sec, orange juice – and a slice of turkey as a garnish

Without alcohol: Orange Juice, cranberry juice, raspberry puree, squeeze of lime - the turkey can also be substituted for nut roast

Serving suggestion: Your curviest item of glassware - the daiquiri shaped one from earlier will be perfect

Recommended outfit: Halloween costumes. Enough said.

Hidden message: What holiday even is this? Is it summer, Christmas, Halloween? They are all the same to me

6. Frozen Merry-garita

Ingredients: Cointreau, Lime juice, Tequila

Serving suggestion: A traditional merry-garita glass. Or a Margarita glass if that’s all you have

Recommended outfit: Someone else's clothes. You can wear anything you like, providing none of it belongs to you and you are in the presence of the rightful owner, who must NOT be consulted beforehand

Hidden message: I work in Marketing and we own Christmas, I am an expert at this holiday and will not be challenged

Will you be sipping on any other alternative Christmas cocktails this year? Use #AlternativeChristmas on Twitter or LinkedIn to share your recipes. We'll send some non-festive treats to our favorite concoctions.

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